Being Critical about Criticism: A Journey from Self-Doubt to Self-Assurance
Belly Laughing is Life!
Let’s talk about criticism. Ah yes, that delightful little dagger to the heart!
Let’s talk about criticism. Ah yes, that delightful little dagger that has the power to either cut you down or, if you’re really lucky, push you to grow. I’ll be honest—criticism and I have had a complicated relationship. For years, any form of critique would leave me reeling, licking my wounds like a sulking teenager.
Here’s how I used to handle it (or, more accurately, didn’t handle it):
Bitch and moan about the audacity of the critic.
Get defensive, righteous, and argumentative to anyone who’d listen—except, of course, the person who actually delivered the critique.
Sulk and refuse to speak to the perpetrator. Silent treatment? Oh, I mastered it.
Zero accountability. Taking responsibility? Not in my vocabulary.
Learn something from it? Yeah, right! I wasn’t about to let that happen.
Exhaust myself with emotions, letting them rule my entire being until I was completely drained.
I’d love to tell you that I’ve entirely moved past this, but the truth is, that inner child still makes an appearance now and then. However, I have improved—a lot. And I want to share two moments that marked significant turning points in my relationship with criticism.
Episode 1: The Brutal Feedback
Picture this: I’m in my first coaching development course, feeling pretty damn good about myself after an observed coaching exercise. My practice partner is smiling, I’m calm, confident - feeling like I nailed it. Then, the observer starts giving feedback. And oh, did she give it. Her critique was relentless, delivered with the kind of bluntness that makes you question all your life choices.
Then she says, “You’re alright with me giving it to you like this, aren’t you? I don’t need to tell you all the brilliant pieces you did.” Well, actually, no—I wasn’t okay. But did I say that? Of course not! I just nodded, mute, letting her words break me down. I started wondering if I was cut out for coaching at all.
Looking back, I see that I wasn’t resilient or confident enough to acknowledge what I had done well. I let her feedback crush me because I didn’t have the inner strength to hold onto my own self-worth.
Episode 2: The Triggering Boss
Fast forward to my last role before going independent, where I found myself constantly triggered by my boss. I’d slip into a petulant, sulky teenager mode—unreasonable, argumentative, and completely off the grid. Not exactly the behaviour of a senior leader, right?
But here’s the difference: by this point, I had developed a better sense of self-awareness. Yes, I was a brat in the moment, but afterward, I took the time to sit back, reflect, and ask, “What the hell is going on with you?”
Lessons from the Outside In
So, what did I learn between these two episodes? Plenty. Here are the big takeaways:
Self-Reflection Is Gold. Before letting others wade in with their opinions, take the time to reflect on the situation yourself. The more you practice this, the better you get at balancing self-critique with self-praise. It’s about knowing what you did well and where you can improve. This practice takes the sting out of external criticism.
Kindness and Candour. If you wouldn’t talk to your worst enemy the way you talk to yourself, it’s time to change the narrative. Be kinder to yourself, without letting yourself off the hook. Nurture your self-respect.
Create Your Own Applause. Stop waiting for others to tell you you’ve done a good job. Learn to applaud yourself. Know in your heart when you’ve done well and where you can do better. It’s liberating.
It’s Just Their Assessment. Remember, criticism is just someone else’s perspective—it’s not the gospel truth. Not all criticism is created equal. There’s the constructive kind, which offers opportunities for growth, and then there’s the insecure, nitpicky kind, which you can safely ignore.
Stay Curious. If you think there’s something to learn, stay curious. Engage in the conversation, ask questions, and explore. It’s less exhausting than throwing a tantrum, trust me.
Lessons from the Inside Out
I’m not going to pretend that criticism doesn’t still get under my skin—because it does. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t knock me out anymore. When faced with criticism now, I:
Centre myself
Breathe through the initial sting
Extend into the conversation instead of retreating
Stay Curious and open to the lesson
Articulate my own perspective calmly and confidently
Blend with the other person to create a mutual learning experience
Keep Open to ensure I don’t miss out on any valuable insights
From Self-Doubt to Self-Assurance
My journey has been as much about learning to handle criticism as it has been about shifting my perspective—from self-doubt to self-assurance, from seeking validation to finding inner strength. It’s a powerful shift, one that allows me to control my reactions, emotions, and behaviours.
How About You?
If, like me, you’ve often felt pummelled by criticism, I hope my reflections stir some of your own. Ask yourself:
How can you learn to value yourself more?
How can you bolster your self-respect?
How do you talk to yourself?
The way you speak to yourself sets the stage for how you receive and process criticism from others. Strengthen that inner voice, and you’ll find it easier to tune into the voices that matter—and turn down the ones that don’t.
Bring…Breathe…Be
I wish you well on your journey. Stay fierce, stay curious, and most of all, stay kind to yourself.
COULD YOU DO WITH SOME HELP WITH YOUR NEW SELF TALK? DROP ME A LINE AND LET’S TALK TOGETHER!
Bobby Davis is a qualified executive and team coach with extensive experience in organisational development, business change (the people angle), human resources and personal leadership.
Her coaching experience is against a backdrop of 30+ years working in managerial and human resources/OD roles in the British Army, Not for Profits, Professional Services and most recently with a private equity owned Hotel Group.
She has led the People “strand” within large business transformation programmes, creating people strategies, internal coaching schemes and embedding strong performance cultures, as well as supporting at all levels of an organisation to implement effective change.
She is absolutely passionate in her pursuit to support, challenge and deliver sustainable change for individuals, teams and organisations, one person at a time if necessary!
You can catch her for a chat about coaching, using your body better as a leader and/or supporting you in HR/OD here Bobby Davis FCIPD PCC | LinkedIn
And check out her dulcet tones in “More Than A Lumpy Jumper” - Conversations about Leadership, Life and Learning here More Than a Lumpy Jumper | Podcast on Spotify